So, in my life I’ve had so many fabulous friends and family say things to me that stuck out. Those wise words I ponder and roll around for sometimes years.
One friend said, “You have 2 speeds…off and on!” I did not take this in any other way other than insight and accurate. If I’m on, I’m on. If I’m off, force myself to do it anyway we’re all going to pay. He knew more about me in that moment about 20 years ago than I knew myself at that time in my development.
I now think about his words often as I truly struggle with boundaries. I’m an extremist in so many ways. I met and married a man in 12 weeks. I heard about moving to another country and 4 months later – very uninformed, never visited – and I’ve now lived here over 3.5 years. Some of my extremes are very helpful, some make people (not me) lots of money, but they can also destroy me. I’m a go big or go home kinda girl. But at times, as daddy used to say, “Your eyes are bigger than your stomach.”
When daddy took his huge crew (I had 8 siblings) out to eat he didn’t care what we ordered. He cared if we finished our food or wasted his very hard earned money as a contractor and laborer.
I’ve tried to be more like him than momma in so many ways. But as I age and things are so very different, I must adapt and learn new things too. I’m both him and her. I have the training to be both and they both had many wonderful skills they passed into me, although, I didn’t always recognize it. I’m learning to embrace his logic and demeanor and her I’ll fight to the death because I exist too. Tough tight wire to walk for sure. First thing, do no harm. Second thing, if you do harm acknowledge it and make amends. Third thing, always do your best – not other’s best – and try again tomorrow.
I’m truly trying, but just so others are aware they’re not alone in these struggles here are some insights.
So glib comments I’ll take to heart and then shut off that part of me, so as not to cause issue. I’ll usually always save you, before I save myself. Um, that’s not healthy. I’ve been trained to be a servant my entire life, but it doesn’t serve ME in many ways for the most part, only others and what I give up is me.
As I’ve learned more about mental health and my worth to exist, even if it benefits only me, I’m struggling greatly to implement and be ok with these very real and accurate things, it’s time and must be done. I need boundaries.
I will gladly give all and be all for love and passion. Period. But if it’s for money, well, first things first. Those I love come first. My health and well-being comes first. After those boxes are checked, I would love to assist you in any way I’m able, in my schedule (that schedule includes naps and down time – I’m only on call 24/7 for my family) to help you be awesome and make tons of money or feed you, make you a drink, drive you home (once I get a license here).
Why share this…..well….what a long strange trip it’s been for 50 years. I think I’m finally learning
Hope we all do