October 7, 2019. I generally don’t engage in so many negative posts other than sad, or put out there things I wish people would just say. But, today, I’m different somehow. Because as I’ve changed my entire life, to save my sanity and what’s left of my life, health and marriage, I think a bit different now. Words like, boundaries, moderation, balance have been challenging words for me. I truly love and hate them at the same time.
I understand and have at times taught to those under my care these words, living them out, well that’s just hard and annoying. So, here we go. Wisdom is knowledge applied, I once heard in a lecture in my mid twenties. Yes, it’s accurate, helpful, valid….but oh so hard to live out. So in most my life, I say what I will do and do what I say. Meaning, I give my word I’m in and whatever that means, I’m in. Unless chaotic life health issue, my word is my bond. Great, except sometimes what I say, is not what others hear. If I’ve committed to do something, whether it’s for an hour or years, I do it. But when it’s understood I will do things I never said, well, things happen. Like I have extreme guilt and make myself crazy to meet the demands, I’m a die hard people pleaser, so I must make you happy or I’ll torture myself for weeks, even if you go home and never think about it again. Well, I’m done doing that for sure.
I’m learning and growing, things are different. So I choose my commitment words very carefully. I’m also letting go of others expectations of what they thought I meant when I agreed. It’s not that I want to be cold or distant. But self care and my sanity is important, more so than ever. I’ve been the PTO president for years. I’ve been the Co-leader for the brownie troup for years, volunteered in every way for decades. I’ve taken kids and animals into nursing homes for years. I’m not done serving because I thrive doing it, but I’m more aware than ever that I must have boundaries on the time, the heart, the finances I agree to use in my heart to serve my community. So, this is my commitment to myself and those I love.
I’ll say what I’ll do and do what I say, barring life’s unexpected chaos and insanity. I’ll do no less and only more if I choose to. I’m now ok with that for sure. Sorry for those that are like wait….what happened, she’s so ranty today. Um, no, I’m actually in a great mood and about to have a great meal with the love of my life. But, it is time to enforce those boundaries and apply the wisdom I understand. Just sayin 😘