I’m not sure I can explain anything I feel at the moment. Through tears, I am trying to communicate on “paper,” so not to lash out. But my words are not grammatically correct, and some cannot hear my heart past my errors. My heart is hurting, like so many globally. My spirit has no peace hearing the horror of today’s reality globally. So, my soul and eyes can no longer hold their tears.

Home to me is people, not a location. My American born and bred heart hurts. This is not the world I was raised in or recognize. I was raised by simple folk with firm religious beliefs. Life was treasured and precious and was never based on your skin color, country of origin, religious beliefs, or even the ability to read. Literally, my family and the many that lived with us were from every walk of life, because all life matters.

I didn’t meet “in your face” racism until I moved to North Carolina about three decades ago. I still didn’t get it, but it showed it’s face soon enough. It truly hurt my heart. I was that simple and naive. I have learned much since that day which I truly wish I never had. Terribly sad that in my mid-twenties someone taught me their view of racism and why they felt some humans are worth less than others. I did not accept or live by it, but I was impacted.

I didn’t agree with the racism and bigotry of many my previous employers throughout those years, but that didn’t matter because I needed my job. So I said nothing. I am ashamed that I didn’t stand up and correct it, but only just smiled, continued to work, and took the paycheck.

My life is very different now, here in Panama. Here, I can have my beliefs and voice my opinions without worrying about many financial consequences. Yet, even in my simple interactions on a very small scale, I’m aware of what is expected of me. I’m supposed to politely agree and go along with things that I know in my heart are wrong. No, these things aren’t always about race. Sometimes they are about the understanding of some at the expense of others. They are very well thought out, presented, and backed up by information gathered from the internet to invoke others to join their “side” and continue to discount others.

The insanity of misinformation that is so easily available has taken my breath away. As a real human, I have a legitimate digital footprint. But, so many others out there are trying to fuel the fire and share their agenda through fake identities. That there are “people” that don’t even exist but gather followers by the thousands on social media because of their agreed agenda and message is mind boggling. Us real humans, sharing our heart and words in messages of love, are easily discounted. We aren’t shiny enough. Just truly makes my heart heavy.

The people of this planet are grieving. Over 300,000 people dead. The global community of humans are literally grieving. The emotions and thoughts of grief I understand all too well. I wish I never had them. Yet, it is real, and many are now acquainted with it more than they ever expected or wanted to be. Join the crowd, where I truly hope you are heard and have a support system to help you through. Yet, that rarely happens, which is another level of sadness.

The world has gone mad. I cannot begin to explain the awfulness and horror my children and grandchildren are seeing. With my whole heart I want to tell them better days are ahead. Keep the faith in love and hope for all to come. Yet, tonight, I find those words to be hard to say through my heartbreak and tears.

My heart wants someone to please tell me this is not the world I live in, and that my grandchildren will not grow up in a world that’s only about loving stuff, to worship only appearances, or without a heart that knows all life is valuable. The world of “if you think like me and look like me, then you matter.” And what if I don’t?

Today, no matter what is healthy, I want comfort food. This morning I walked to the store and bought bacon for a BLT. I haven’t had one in years, but I craved it. So I bought it and it was delicious. Tonight’s dinner was meatloaf, mashed potatoes, and green beans. I need to feel and embrace the comforts of home while this season has none of those comforts.

I’m so very thankful that tonight I will lay down in bed safe. Tonight, my husband that loves me and will not physically harm me will wrap around me and I’ll sleep securely in his arms.

I pray this day, please, please, please, appreciate all life in every form. As I too am desperately trying not to give up hope that we are and can be better than this, because it really will matter for generations. I pray for healing, strength, unity, tenacity, compassion and above all love, for all of us, as we wake into a world we hoped would never be.

Will you help me show, explain and share it, because I’m failing and falling as I see what this current reality is?